Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

    I haven't been able to sleep much. Deadlines have a way of doing that to me. And this deadline comes with all of the feelings. All of them.

    I am so excited to move across the country. I've never lived anywhere but here; almost four DECADES of living in ONE town. And my excitement of doing something new - a new journey that isn't sickness(!!) - has been keeping me going. That is what is cleaning out the garage. That is what is getting rid of three quarters of my stuff so that the other fourth will fit on the truck. That is what tapes box after box and fills each one up. That is what has peeled my eyelids back when I hear "Mom!!!" every morning and I know there is no "Dad!" for three whole months to take over when I am weary.

   There is so much good happening, I can't even fully believe it. Like, ME? I never asked "why me" when I got cancer because I always thought that if it has to be someone, why NOT me. But now all this goodness - a job that my husband LOVES, a rental house on the water that is truly braggable, a city that seems right up my ally, kids that are willing and excited - is making me wonder "why me?" Well, why NOT me?!

    As I get nearer to the finish line, though, I am allowing myself brief moments to reflect on this place and these people. I can't do it for long because once the dam breaks it will gush for hours and I'm not ready for that yet.

    This place could be any place. Don't get me wrong, I love my city. It is a lovable city. I'm food spoiled. I'm music spoiled. I'm beauty spoiled. But the PEOPLE. MY people. That is what makes this hurt so bad. 

   You, friends. You, family. I love you. You cannot be replaced. When I only had one child, I often wondered if I had room in me to love two. Now that I have four, I know that you don't run out of room for love. It grows and grows and you DON'T LOSE ANYBODY in all that love. It seems like someone might get covered over; buried in other loves for people who aren't them. But it doesn't happen. Each one of you, whom I love, is permanent. Etched. You have changed me and taken a piece of me. And I have a matching piece of you.

   So, this morning, my sadness of missing you is tempered by just thought of you. I think of you, my loved ones, all of the time. I think about your individual qualities - your laugh, your smile, your wise advice, your enveloping hug, your constant "thereness," your silly stories, your fun perspective, your grounding presence, your encouraging word- and those thoughts of you keep the sadness at bay (for now.)
 ...Because I know that I have hit the JACKPOT on people who love me back. There are times I wonder "why me?" But I'm really glad to be able to say "why NOT me?"


No Mommy Brain said...

Why you? Because you are goodness personified. 😘❤️❤️❤️

Amanda Conley said...