The transfusion really did make me feel better, but mentally, being in the hospital really took a toll on me. The room was tiny, the smells were gross, I couldn't eat a thing and I literally felt that at any moment something even worse was going to happen to make me have to stay there f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
Can we say panic attack?
When I got home from the hospital, I can honestly say I was at the lowest point that I have been in, in a long time. I felt defeated. I felt scared. I wondered where God was.
I kept thinking of Jesus's lowest earthly moments, when he was hungry in the desert and Satan kept tempting him, and then just a couple of years later, at the garden of Gethsemane when he begged God to take the cup of the hour of darkness from him, but then conceded that it is not his will but God's that should be done. After both of those times, angels were sent to minister to Jesus.
My whole life, I kind of pictured the ministering angels to be giving out free back and foot massages. And maybe a warm or cold cloth on his forehead.
As I laid in bed feeling so low, I cried out to the Lord to send his angels to minister to ME too. Even though I don't deserve it.
No ethereal hands touched my back, no cloth graced my temple, but something did happen.
It may have been angels, but I tend to think it was the Holy Spirit His Very Self.
Every time I would silently scream something like "Where you God?" I would hear a quiet voice in my mind, gently say, "The Lord your God is with you." When I said, "save me from this!" I heard words like, "He is mighty to save." Then I said, "I'm not even worthy for you to heal me." and the refute was "He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
I can't deny that all of my scared, negative thoughts were being silenced and then replaced by the truth being ministered to me by my God.
In the past weeks, more angels have ministered to me in the form of God's human messengers; Food being dropped off at my door, an anonymous gift basket tailored just for me showing up out of nowhere, and generous souls who are gifting me with cards, gifts and blessings that I truly do NOT deserve. Yet, God has chosen me to be the recipient of all these beautiful fortunes. I don't know why I'm loved. But I do feel loved.
Thank you. I can never pay it all back. And I know that is not why it is given. But I really hope that I can be a part of loving others the way I have been loved.
We love Him because He first loved us.
P.S. I have had people asking about bringing meals. Here is another link that will take you to the meal train that my dear friend set up for me. Click HERE. All of your meals are and have been such a blessing to my family during this time. It is so nice to know that I haven't had to worry about feeding the kids. I may not be able to send each of you an email or note to say thank you (although I am trying....) but I do want everyone who has brought a meal to know that I am so very grateful.